Excuses

Humans love to make excuses, don’t they. Like when we’re stuck at what to say, when somebody catches us red-handed, or use our words (especially when we accidentally had the wrong word choice) against us, we are just so inclined to create excuses to save our face.

Or at least I do. Anyway for me, it happened during scholarship interview I went to last… 15 April (wow long time I held on to this post eh). They kinda asked me why I didn’t choose to attend an overseas university and I just wanted to be honest saying that I didn’t feel confident, independent and qualified enough. Like, look at all those who went overseas and came back with all those funky accents and cheese like that. Can’t see myself being like them you know. And I haven’t actually quite finished yo! before the female interviewer was like, oh if you aren’t confident or think you’re qualified enough then why did you apply for this scholarship, because we are paying for your studies you know. And then I knew I shouldn’t have been honest then. So I kinda “shit you said the wrong thing u baboon u just killed yourself” so I started giving excuses like, oh I know that bla bla that’s why I’m deciding to stay in the local uni’s hostel and all so that I can learn to be independent and whatnot. Then I was also giving excuses to myself thinking that oh I actually wanted, should have said something about opportunities, how preparing for these was an enriching and whatever experience, which actually I was only just thinking about it moments before! Omg can’t help but smack my friggin head with popcorn and get black lung disease.

Anyway here I’d like to say that: it’s doesn’t matter what you meant to do, it’s your actions that matter. You know that fanfic quote “intentions don’t matter, actions do”. Besides, if you meant to have said it you should already have when you had the opportunity (#GrandpaRandy). No point regretting. Just take it as a learning experience.

Such a Wimp.

Had two bad falls one after another oh gosh. And the circumstances of those falls are weird. Like it’s a straight wide road with no incoming human hazards and I just fell. Twice. So now there’s this big wound on my left palm and festering lumps and pulling- tearing on my pain receptors (Omg the doc’s cream is making it worse I tell you), and a huge bruise on my left thigh as well as other places, and double abrasions on my left knee, and scratches everywhere, and moral of the story is: never cycle when you only just sprained your ankle not two days ago.

Besides this takeaway there are other realisations I had too, during the two days since my fallS on Saturday afternoon when my parents took care of me (as those rich guys with that heartbeat-scope (?) were off having fun and chillaxing over the weekend). So anyway the first is that I’m a bigfat wimp, and the second is that my parents do not deserve having this bigfat wimp.

Okay so let me remind myself why I’m a bigfat wimp: I can’t even bear the pain proudly or at least tolerate it. Stupid sensitive pain receptors, stupid frail tearducts, stupid weak moron. Just because it stings and burns doesn’t mean you have to sting and burn your eyes with unholy saltwater. Stupid fool as in I was not able to take care of my own stupid self and whining and grunting and grumbling about the pain. Just suck it up you damned fool. Some lame little prickly pain can’t incapacitate you; you haven’t even seen true horrors and experience real agony. Look at this Pear of Anguish, look at it I tell you! Instead of facing the wall go stare at this.

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This bigfat wimp also has to undeservingly have someone serving this bigfat wimp. First people have to look after your totally puny wounds, pick up your rubbish, pull your heavy self from the ground, get you a cab, show you concern, deal with the bicycle you so horribly treated, upset the taxi driver with your stupid presence, have your shoe taken off by your father, have your father rush down to the pharmacy since the docs not open, have your father have your brother make drinks for you, have your father get a stool in the bathroom and wrap your puny wounded handed with a plastic bag, (and then in deserved agony bathe myself), then have my father clean my wounds (and this bigfat wimp can’t even stay still), have my father serve me dinner, have my parents looking after me (my mum was out then) and all. So yeah..

Bigfat wimp.

blind-perspective

Sometimes we need to step back from our own perspective to look at it from another person’s perspective to understand why others may think differently.

Regret (7 Mar)

I regretted today (7 mar), and that’s not how life should work – even though that’s what it does best. I was reminded of what my mentor for the internship said: never have regrets. Okay that’s not what he exactly said, but more like: no regrets in this internship ah. Like nothing you really really wish to do but didn’t, because after this internship no chance liao.” … Okay or maybe something along those lines, I can’t remember.

So anyway because of unforeseen delays and stuff like that, I couldn’t attend the talk and tour that I needed. So is like, I went to the uni’s open house and left not really having any insights into my desired course and all, though that should have been or was the purpose of the open house right. So I regretted. You know, like all those “if only…” so and so. Then I was kinda, or pretty, miffed about that fact when I realised it. And that that was the only chance to change my life path or sth.

I tried not to, but couldn’t help but be super self-absorbed and annoyed with everything, including at my friend. Luckily it did pass if after a looong while, like when we were on the way home.

Also, during the day I couldn’t stop thinking about my interaction with Banana (which prompted the previous post) and how everything’s wrong and screwed up. But anyway, the thing is: do not vent, my friend, DO. NOT. VENT. You have absolutely no right to. Whatever you’re annoyed about is yourself. The problem lies with you, and IS you. So deal with it, not others.

Anyway back to the topic about regret. There are many things – and opportunities man, freaking opportunities everywhere – for us to regret something about. Like stepping out of the exam hall and suddenly Eureka! but at the wrong moment (#Kickass Grandpa Randy), missing good opportunities such as an overseas learning experience, choosing the wrong left to take when straight ahead was your destination, etc etc. I would like to leave with this note on regret wrt to try– ouch! okaaay, wrt to doing.

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Meeting a Long Lost Friend (26 Feb)

Funny that I really don’t feel anything when seeing K after that sudden break up in our friendship and two years after that, only pre-nervousness and apprehension because I didn’t know how to react – though I knew that we would all just be awkward and quiet and all (prophecy, checked). Like even after we said bye at the end of the day, nope, still nothing. I’m an uncaring, emotionless bastard. Hoho.

But it’s better that way anyway – useless “friend-patching” session that honestly was (though I appreciate the effort). She doesn’t have to bear with my ugly face no more. {Although I do wish that we broke on a better note.} After what happened the previous Saturday when whatsapping our mutually close friend Banana, it is wayyy better this way. Sorry but I’m not this all caring, considerate, sensitive friend who knows when and what to say and do at anywhen and whom won’t offend you without knowing how and why. I can’t and won’t even try to be one. I’m yellow-ungodly-timing itself. I can’t help if you always misinterpret my words, taking it wrongly, reading my “tone” the other way round, whatever. I really don’t know how to change. Like I always tell myself after all these frequent annoyances to stop texting you and all since I’m an annoying bastard but I cannot because I have values of my own, and that includes randomly texting people whenever I can and always – always goddammit always I tell you – we end up on this sour note again. This is frankly getting very annoying. So so so frustrated with you doing that. Zz I hate my stupid self.

I know it’s my fault for that horrible ending between K and I, even if I actually don’t really know exactly why she suddenly blew up when I questioned her rationale for that thing and maybe provoked her or what. Is like this now again. ME IZ CANNOT IDENTIFY THE REASON WHY. I think I’ll really never get humans at all. Also like why I’ll never get why my human self gets irritated so easily even if I have no right to.

I know we need to communicate. As in communicate communicate, like talking about this you know. I’m tryinggg, but it’s just not in me to do this sort of thing {excuses hah}. I just don’t know what to say…

So anyway. Will this thing between Banana and I really end up sour forever now? {It’s been 10 days as of today…}