Random Shizzoodles: (On a theme of) LOST THINGS

There was something missing.

That one empty spot marring the incomplete picture did not just indicate a last missing piece, it felt as if she had forgotten something else, something big and important, something that seemed to leave a big vacant hole in her chest.

She continued to stone and stare at the empty hole, her mind and subconscious drifting off into space.

A cold, heavy weight pressed down on her shoulder, abruptly startling her back into reality.

“Mom.”

Said person graced her acknowledgement with a sweet, motherly smile more capable than a mug of hot chocolate could in giving warmth to a person in the coldest winter times. “Lost a jigsaw piece? Don’t worry, I’ll look out for it when I clean the house later. Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Wait, Mom.” She said as her mother turned to leave. “There’s something else. I feel as if I’d given away this last piece, to someone I guess, but I can’t remember who. Do you know anything about it? Before I lost part of my mem–”

“Don’t be silly, dear. You love your jigsaw puzzles so much you wouldn’t let anyone touch it. You probably just dropped it somewhere. Don’t think too much about it.”

Indeed, her collection of jigsaw puzzles was her treasure – she would not allow anyone, besides her mother, to go even within mere centimetres of her sets – and though the calm tone intended to reassure her, she couldn’t say the same for the subtle change in pressure on her shoulder as well as the slight variation in the tone in which she said it.

She knew it was impudent of her to think her mother was lying, but she could not help but wonder… Was she intentionally avoiding mentioning about the part of her life black patches now appear when she tried to remember?  And if so, why..?

… …

The golden hue of the warm evening sun coupled with the orange-red landscape of foliage created an extremely tranquil and soothing atmosphere. She strolled down the street lined by scarlet oaks, on her way home from the grocer.

A random shaft of light from the periphery of her vision caught her eye, which then led them wandering down a path through the park.

For some reason, it seemed to beckon her towards it. Since time was on her hands anyway, she decided to take that longer way back.

Fresh air permeated her olfactory senses, a far cry from the usual stale stench of bustling streets. It calmed her greatly, making her feel strangely light, the bag of goods unknowingly tossed to the side. The atmosphere grew cool but light, and seemed to exude a sense of nostalgia.

Leaves giggled softly as a breeze playfully flirted with them. She could not help but let out a little chuckle, feeling as unburdened and free as a bird.

She remembered this place: it was where they had always hung out at. Not exactly fans of fast-paced city lives, this was where time stopped specially for the two of them, letting them immerse in the still and in the wondrous beauty of nature.

Whether the trees were fresh and adorned with lush leaves, or whether the place was cloaked in white, they would always play here, it being their safe haven of hope, fun and solace. It was where life, even during the deepest throes of duress beyond this sanctuary, seemed fulfilled and complete.

These fond memories played at the strings of the harp in her heart, composing a melodic tune which resonated with them both.

But as she walked further down, nearing the edges of the place, thunder resounded in her mind like a rock band playing the drums. Tears rained down her cheeks with fierce rapidity. Claws tore not just her guts but also ripped her heart. She cried and wept and sobbed a flood of emotions that drowned her in its midst. She could feel herself sinking, lost within the depths of a vortex of sorrow.

Her vision blurred and her consciousness seemed to fade to a blank slate of mind. No, not white or empty, but red, bright fresh scarlet, strong healthy crimson.

Something lay still and unmoving on the ground. It would have appeared to be in peaceful slumber, a light smile gracing and lighting up its already sacrosanct features. It could have fooled anyone, were its body not crooked and broken, and horridly bathed in blood.

The short instant of a second. That moment that changed everything. The hard force on her arm that pushed her away, its touch still unnaturally tingling at the area of contact even now; that horrible, grating screeching of metal; the terrified screams and cries anticipatory of the impending outcome; that sickening crush of bones and splash of viscous liquid… That strangely assuring look on the victim’s face that told nothing of its pain nor concern for its fate…

And all she could do was stare.

The world crumbled and collapsed around her as she fell both down and apart with grief and despair.

All that… For her… Its hand unyieldingly holding on to something of utmost trivia in this moment of unseen wicked fate.

It had known how important it was to her. But it was unknown to her the foolishness of her actions, and the consequence that came with it.

For that last little jigsaw piece, that saw the bond between them both through the beginning of time, it saw it through to the end.

She knew what she had lost now. She remembered. Not merely part of her memories, or that jigsaw puzzle… but her everything.

Just Neutral (2 Mar)

It’s okay to not feel anything right right. We don’t need to be happy, or sad, or nervous, or whatever right right. We’re not obligated to, right right. I mean, it’s fine to be neutral, right right.

I don’t get it. I mean I get why people are nervous and anxious and all when they are anticipating the results of their major examinations or stuff like that, but it’s also fine if I myself stay neutral, right right? Or is that something wrong, like a crime to not feel anything. And it’s not because I know I will do well or I will do well but it’s just because… just because.

Okay this is going to be short (or it already is) because I still don’t understand this part of the human psyche. So note to self: I’ll read up on it, someday.

Anyway it’s fine to just feel neutral, I assure myself. No need those sweaty palms, or palpitating heart, or racing thoughts. It’s also fine to just feel neutral if I get this unexpected results, where people would usually be jumping in joy, rushing to hug their friends and whatnot. It’s fine feeling neutral.

Random Shizzoodles (short story)

– Just For Fun :B –

These streets were like a bedlam. Throngs of rowdy people laughed and talked in unpleasantly loud voices. Coupled with the impatient honking of cars down the road, the tumultuous mix of cacophonies assaulted my sensitive ears, perked up for any suspicious noise. My ears hurt, and my nose and eyes stung from the foul stench of fuel. Even the weather hated me too, the cold seeping into my oversized frock coat and wrapping around my body in place of it.

But it could never make my warm hands cold.

I shivered at the thought, and clasped my hands – hidden beneath my coat – together to ease its trembling. My head pounded terribly, and I wanted to close my eyes, detach myself from this horrible reality and slip into the dark. But I could not. No matter how much I wanted to, I could not allow this temptation to lure me in. Nightmares wandered in the dark, waiting, waiting patiently for me when I would fail and fall into its arms.

My headache worsened, but I would not let it dull my senses. I still wasn’t safe – never will I be safe. I lowered my head into my cowl as I caught several people glancing in my direction – or was it at me? Regardless, I had to leave this place immediately.

Weaving, jostling and manoeuvring my way (drunk-running, actually) past hordes of people that seemed to have no end, I finally reached the porch of my current hostel. I stopped to catch my breath – mentally kicking myself for doing so – adjusted my coat from within and stepped into the place. The yellowish lighting and brown colours melded together as I hurried towards the elevator at the end. The elevator’s doors were opened, and lingered open for a while as though challenging me, mocking me. I picked up my pace, careful not to trip on my oversized coat’s hem, before breaking into a run as the doors started to close. I had no time to lose, and I was too desperate to pay attention to anything – or anyone – else as I ran with such speed sure to put a cheetah to shame.

As the elevator doors shut behind me, I allowed a transient wave of relief wash over me. At least I could still experience this satisfying sort of feeling while it lasted. And then I froze, the sudden uncomfortable silence and glares seeming to suffocate me. My permanently widened circles for eyes stared back at them. Some held slightly bewildered gazes while others just cocked an eyebrow and returned to space out in their own worlds. An old man coughed, his wrinkled face a shade too pale. He looked up, baggy eyelids making his already sad blue eyes look sadder. It reminded me of those eyes, cerulean irises filled with pain of different kinds. That befuddled and stupefied gaze transfixed on my own, those dilated pupils that locked themselves with my wide-eyed ones. That pale face, becoming more and more gaunt, waning as time trickled by…

I felt a sense of weightlessness as the support behind my back suddenly disappeared, followed by a hard thump, shooting fireworks behind my weary eyelids. I saw blurry figures advancing towards me, coming closer but no… no, no, go away, go away! I pushed on the floor with my heels, and tried to retreat from them. My mind vaguely registered several gasps, but I was too preoccupied to care. Those filthy hands… those revolting grins that spelt nothing but pain… I kicked at those shadowy forms, while trying to gain a footing with my other limbs. My foot connected with something solid, and one of the figures fell, the others went to help him. Seizing this brief chance, I scrambled to my feet, blundering away and along the corridor, feeling the walls with my hands since my legs were like jelly, not aware that I was leaving streaks of crimson behind…

Coincidentally, my unit was on this level. And I subconsciously found my way over to a door with a somewhat familiar numbered plaque on it. My body felt like a clown performing multiple acts at a time as I fumbled around the inner pocket of my coat. Grabbing what felt like a card, I clumsily swiped it at some strange, technological device. Something clicked and I burst into my unit.

Off… Get it off… My mind whirled for a bit, full of incoherent thoughts and screams and shadowy whispers. It hurt so much, so hard to hold all these horrors in. Somehow or another, I hit at something, and water burst out like liquid spewing from a leaked pipe. It was wet and cold. I tried to rub those awful stains off my hands, clawing at them, willing them to peel off my very skin. Scarlet drops flew everywhere, slowly soaking my cloak and flying into my mouth. I spat. It tasted disgusting, yet sweet at the same time. Of course it would, one of those voices in my head said mockingly. It should be a familiar one after all. I screwed my eyes shut, gnashed my teeth and growled deeply in my throat, willing those voices to shut up. My head pounded increasingly with every passing second. It all hurt. Everything ached. It was all just wrong. So very wrong. Why… Why did I do it?

Some force made me open my eyes and look up. Framed by the flying red droplets, a white face painted with all kinds of horror and fear stared back at me. Wet auburn hair sat like a disheveled mop on it. Its eyes drew me in, so beautiful yet frightening. Behind those astounding azure eyes, I knew, contained hell on a different level. They were a pair of hollow abysses, promising the worst pain and fears anyone could imagine. It seemed to suck and drain my very being into it. Water continued to spew everywhere while I stood frozen in time, rooted to the ground, my every fibre all tensed up. Somewhere from the back of my mind I knew that I had to stop looking, but I could not tear my eyes away from it. Those eyes just stared, and stared. I just continued staring, wholly entranced.

I didn’t even know how, yet when I suddenly opened my eyes, I was lying down, staring at a coal black sky. Somehow, I just knew the world had changed.